Wednesday, September 23, 2020

The Freezer Fairy is Joined by the Pantry Fairy

 Greetings to all of my friends and neighbors out there in Internet Land, and to those family members who have stumbled on this site: YE KNOW WHEREOF I SPEAK!

Hooray for science! It's given us some GREAT ways of living longer, healthier lives. What we DO with those lives is up to us, but for that, we also have the Scientific Method. Define the issue; study it; form a hypothesis; test the hypothesis; rinse and repeat!

Or, if you want to go somewhat old school :

 "Prove all things; hold fast that which is good." (I Thess 5:21, KJV)

It's the same thing, really.

And yet, despite science, and the scientific method, and all the lovely technology that exists to prevent us from having to slave all day, hoping to get enough to eat and a place to sleep, a persistent believe in fairies seems nearly universal.

Sure, it's transformed somewhat since my great-great-great-multi-greats were leaving offerings for them in Scotland and Africa, but only in the location and composition of the sacrifice. Instead of bowls of milk by the door, or porridge by the hearth, my offspring leave half-eaten bowls of cereal under their beds, popcorn in bags by the television in the family room, and significant meal remnants on un-scraped plates, which are often, but not always, placed in the approximate location of the kitchen sink.

Now, these are not just sacrifices offered out of the goodness of their hearts, although I do not deny that goodness, not for a second. My offspring have ALWAYS had certain expectations for the fairies. While my ancient ancestors may have expected that their placations would prevent the cow from going dry, or keep the potato crop healthy, the modern expectations are more techno-centric. This is likely due to the fact that we no longer keep cows or plant potatoes, and why should we, when their are three major grocery chains within two miles, and three convenience stores as well as a stand-alone pharmacy? If the milk turns up sour (*), we can have a fresh gallon in under five minutes, guaranteed.

*My offspring eat a lot of breakfast cereal, so the likelihood of the milk going sour is pretty slim. They usually go through a gallon of milk every four or five days.
(I have discovered, however, a way to stop them from drinking so much milk: buy TWO gallons, instead of one. If I buy TWO gallons, milk consumption IMMEDIATELY ceases, and some two to three weeks later, I'm dumping clotted dairy product to feed the garden. )

No, the expectations which I believe have been universal in my family, at least those in the pre-adult stage, but not limited necessarily by youth, are quite modern. They simply expect the fairies to turn the lights off. At one point, it was the job of the fairies to turn the television or game systems off as well, although I took steps to disabuse them of that misbelief, by confiscating power cords.

For the last significant period of time, though, I have become aware that everyone else in the house  is a firm believer in the power of the Freezer Fairy.* My recognition of this roughly coincides with the closing of the schools last spring, which meant that I was daily joined by the teen members of the Chattahoochee Pattersons, every day.  

* Before you assume that I am some sort of MONSTER: Maybe some 25 or 30 years ago, I bought a state-of-the-art-ish refrigerator-freezer, with an automatic ice-maker and water dispenser in the door. It worked great for about 5 years or so, and then water started leaking out uncontrollably. So, I turned off the water supply, and we went to ice trays. And we have never HAD any ice in any form other than ice trays since sometime in 2001 or 2002. Which precedes the arrival of my current brood by nearly a decade; thus, they have never experienced, on a regular basis, the delight of on-demand crushed ice, etc. Except when we go visit Heath, Eliott, and Evelyn. They have a BRAND NEW refrigerator freezer, and Kenneth and Alicia stand fascinated as frozen and macerated water drops into their glass...

But, on the home front, the belief in the Freezer Fairy persists. Somehow, they believe, those ice trays WILL be filled! It's not THEIR job, oh, my, NO! PERISH the thought! Refill the ice trays? Why, that would deprive the Freezer Fairies of the reason for their existence! And, if the Freezer Fairies move out, who will eat the half-consumed sandwich placed carefully under the bed?

So, I have often gone to get some ice, from one of the four ice trays we keep. It is VERY rare that I will find an ice tray without a single cube; on the other hand, it is quite common to find two or three ice trays which each have but two or three cubes remaining. On one occasion, I found all four ice trays in that condition, and I promptly threw all four of them into the living room, where Kenneth and Alicia Ann were engaged with electronics, and didn't say a word. They got the message, though. On THAT occasion, they got the message.

But, life goes on. And this morning, while waiting on my Black Rifle Murdered Out coffee to emerge from the Keurig, I went to the freezer to ice my water glasses (I keep TWO water bottles with me, because I guzzle it). And that's when I discovered that in addition to the ice tray duties, the Freezer Fairy is now responsible for re-filling empty popsicle containers as well. A closer examination of the kitchen table revealed that a Pantry Fairy is expected to be on the job, as an empty box of popcorn bags was also present. (I don't like those bags. I go old school with popcorn.)

Freezer Fairy: two things to refill.
Pantry Fairy: just one.

Alas, since I have no real expectation that either fairy will appear, this will be my job. At least, they still find SOME use for the Old Man. All is not left up to me, however: yesterday, Alicia Ann, completely on her own, made up a shopping list for me, and told me she wanted to go with me to the store. She then agreed to make up a meal plan for the rest of Fall Break, so, today, the boxes will all get refilled. Even the boxes that weren't left on the table.

Peace be on your household.



1 comment:

  1. But why did they leave out milk at the barn? To nourish the barn cats and kittens, so that the barn would have fewer rats.