Wednesday, February 13, 2019

I Was Ambushed This Morning by the Middle Schoolers

Greetings, to all my Internet friends and neighbors, and howdy to the one or two kinfolk who can read.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day.

Didn't really care for it as a kid. I was painfully shy, and was never able to tell girls that I liked them. What if they said no?
I might DIE!
This was long, long before I learned to read body language and interpret tone of voice, eye contact, and that sort of thing. It was terribly limiting.
I no longer have that problem; so, let me take this opportunity to clear this up:

Kathy Powell, wherever you are, I was madly in love with you in the 7th grade. 

I taped the Valentine's Day card you gave me over where I thought my heart was, and wore it to the 7th grade skating party at Durr's Lake. Just never was brave enough to tell you about it.
Probably made you nuts, but I was just too shy to let you know.

There. That's one more amends taken care of!

So, this morning, I got ambushed by the Middle School Brother Sister Tag Team. Now, I had spent ONE HOUR with them earlier, in serious, yet interesting, conversation, about menus, grocery items, and Proverbs Chapter 13.

And the did not say pea turkey to me about ....this.

But they were running a game on me, because just MOMENTS before they go out the door, faithful (yet often pestiferous) little sister Alicia comes into my man cave, and says (read this in a winsome girl voice):

"Papa Pat, when you go to the grocery store, will you get Kenneth a big heart-shaped box of chocolates and a bouquet of flowers?"

"Why?" I asked.

"Well, he's got this girl at school. and, just get the chocolate and the flowers, okay?"

"What girl?"

"She's this girl at school. Just get the chocolate and flowers for Kenneth, okay?"

"What girl?"

"She's a friend of mine."

"What girl?"

"It's SQUERDLOCK." (gives the name of a lovely young lady we have known for several years. )

"Well, I need to hear this from Kenneth."

Alicia vanishes, and a moment later, Kenneth APPEARS in my man cave. Actually, not ALL of him appears. Just his head and shoulders; the rest of him is out of sight, behind the door, with just the tips of his fingers appearing to have a death-grip on the door frame..

And HE says (read THIS in a ninety mile-per-second adolescent boy voice, devoid of any inflection whatsoever)


...and he's gone. In the vacuum left by his passing, sheets of paper and maybe a tumbleweed fly through the air.

So, I get the flowers and the chocolate:

Roses, and Russell Stover's (the big box) .
Come big, or stay at home.
That's my motto!

And, a few minutes ago, Kenneth and Alicia got home from school. Their reactions were not what I had expected.

ALICIA got all excited upon seeing the flowers, squealing, etc. Kenneth's reaction was...meh.

So, I inquired. And got the entire story:

It seems that SQUERDLOCK and Alicia were talking, and SQUERDLOCK complained to Alicia that she didn't have anyone who would give her a Valentine. So, Alicia said she would get Kenneth to do it. And faithful (yet often pestiferous) big brother Kenneth said he would.

And now, he wishes that the earth would open up and swallow him, because he has ZERO desire to cause SQUERDLOCK any emotional pain, yet he does not wish to enter into a relationship with her. The lad is in a dilemma.

Fortunately, he has Papa Pat on his side. And Papa Pat, what with having raised teenagers before, and what with having been a middle school counselor for 16+ years, knows a thing or two about extricating yourself from sticky situations. 

And my advice is this: Kenneth will write SQUERDLOCK a note. In this note, he will tell her that when little sister Alicia informed him that she had no one to give her a special Valentine, he knew that this was an injustice that must be remedied, especially since SQUERDLOCK is the most beautiful girl in town. He would like for them to be Sweet-hearts, which is not the same as Boyfriend and Girlfriend. Sweet-hearts are friends who do especially nice things for each other from time to time. Sweet-hearts don't date each other, but if you find yourself without an escort to the Important Event, you can call your Sweet-heart, and they will take you. Boyfriends and Girlfriends usually break up in one or two weeks, but Sweet-hearts last a life time. You can always count on a Sweet-heart...

...and something like that is what we are going to attempt. Kenneth drafted a BEAUTIFUL first draft, but I sent him back with some suggestions for improvement.

I'll let you know how it works out....

Peace be on your household (and on mine as well!)


  1. πŸ’“πŸ’•❤πŸ˜€πŸ’–This is PERFECT!

  2. Obviously, Kenneth will now and forever more be in permanent eternal friend zone with SQUERDLOCK who will grow up to be Miss Universe 2027.