Friday, September 7, 2018

Doctor Cedar Sanderson is Awarded Third Nobel Prize!

Apologies to our colleague Cedar Sanderson for taking a comment of hers and teasing it until it threatened me.
To find her much more rational post, click : HER blog.

She is NOT responsible for What Follows, which  is the ravings of a MASSIVELY sleep deprived mind. I haven't slept for two nights in a row, for no particular reason, and somehow have not been able to nap, either.  FAKE NEWS STARTS NOW:

"FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Stockholm, December 11, 2038. "
Sanderson receives third Nobel Prize, for Peace.
The Right Reverend Doctor Cedar Sanderson, a well-known anti-chemophobic paleomicrobiologist, accepted her third Nobel Prize, this time for Peace, in Stockholm yesterday. The Awards Committee granted Sanderson the honor by acclamation, for her solution of what will, in the future , be known as Cedar's Equation. This calculation has conclusively been shown to differentiate between public policy makers who are dishonest, and those who are merely bumbling fools, by analysis of a small writing sample on any one of five global concerns. Those not falling into either of these categories, are thereby certified as ALRC ("At Least Reasonably Competent").

Cedar's Equation Introduction. 
Sanderson released the equation during the question and answer session, following a panel discussion  at this year's Dragon Con 51, held in Georgia, Florida, Tennessee, and North Carolina (with a special satellite campus in Sauk Rapids, Minnesota). The session was the third largest this year in terms of attendance, with 17,561,1142 bracelets presenting valid registrations.  The second largest session by a slight margin was "Preserving an Independent Viewpoint for Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers, Now that the Aliens and the Fey Have Shown up to Borrow Money," with 18,021,4273 in attendance.  The top attendance at all sessions, for the sixth year in a row (ever since this program was first offered in 2032) was "I Won't Be In This One: Barefoot Johnny, G R R R R  R R vaRRRM, The Flatcat Thief, and China Mike," with 42,862,030 registrations. Fortunately, that session could be held in any location that was guaranteed to be free of  the four panelists, so overflow seating was not anticipated; however, with South Carolina, Tennessee, and Alabama continuing to petition to become cohosts of DragonCon, some additional venue expansions might be necessary.

'Cedar's Equation' can be downloaded as a free app from most reputable app stores, and is also available as a macro run by Apache OpenOffice Writer 42.3.2.  Bloodless revolutions which have taken place in at least 3 townships in Canada, as well as in  the entire country of Lichtenstein, show signs of Cedar's Equation being applied.  In other polities, crowds of murmuring citizens have been observed gathering in bathrooms and Waffle House parking lots, staring intently at what appears to be a communication device of some sort. Nearly 1 million copies have been downloaded since the Dragon Con roll-out; this reporter expects that number to continue to grow, and was able to get a reaction early this morning from  from Sanderson, who also apparently expects that number to continue to grow, stating:
"I expect that number to continue to grow."

The Peace Prize will be the third Nobel Price, but the first in the Peace category, to find a place on the mantle above the Reverend Doctor's walk-in fireplace.

Sanderson's 2020 Nobel Prize for Literature. 
Her first Nobel Prize, the 2020 Nobel Prize for Literature, was awarded by a once- deadlocked selection committee.  A reliable source with private knowledge of the process has confided that after 42 secret ballots, it appeared that the members of the committee might really be incapable of picking a winner for this category. In desperation, the chairperson felt compelled to take the unprecedented step of sequestering the members of the committee to give them time to read the books under consideration. After a fairly short amount of time of being denied access to food, water, and plumbing facilities, the committee came back together for a vote. No one expected the result, however, after such a lengthy deadlock: a unanimous ballot on the first vote!  Sources close to the selection committee have said that once the actual reading got started, it was obvious that none of the other nominees had even the most basic tools needed to write a story.

ETWYRT 2024 Nobel Prize Shocker. 
The Reverend Doctor Sanderson's follow-up, the 2024 Nobel Prize  for Physiology, was a shock to the global community of health care professionals, and even more of a shock to the recipient herself. As a bit of a hobby, she had been contacting authors who had recently published books, and asking them for a favorite meal selection. She would then prepare the dish, and review the book, and post a column on both of the experiences (With LOTS of pictures!), which she entitled "Eat This While You Read That" (ETWYRT).

The discovery that this combination of  eating food and reading books had SIGNIFICANT health benefits came about by accident. A researcher at Ohio State University's Office of Food Science and Technology had contacted her for permission to use this approach as the control group in a study she was conducting on aspects of meal preparation which might possibly produce health benefits, Since the idea for each ETWYRT meal was provided by a different person, there was no collusion possible, and no apparent correlation  between components of the various meals on the plan. For the purposes of the study, therefore,  it appeared the ETWYRT meals met all the established criteria for a highly varied control diet.

After the third week of recording diet elements, along with weight, blood sugar, blood pressure, and other outcomes, researchers were disturbed when the test data for the control group began to show radically different results than the expected stability. In addition, participants in the study who had been selected randomly for assignment to an experimental group refused, stating that this was the best food they had ever eaten, and they felt better than they ever had before.

At this point, the doctoral adviser to the primary researcher recommended abandoning the project, and discarding the entire data set. Fortunately, that advice wasn't followed, although it did require an appeal the the Faculty Senate Committee on Research Ethics. The researcher completed her dissertation, and was awarded her doctorate. She is now a full Professor of Food Science at the University of Pennsylvania, and is the Chair of the Cocoa, Chocolate, and Confectionery Research Group. She is the senior technical member of the team which continues to research the ETWYRT health benefits. She and Dr. Sanderson are reported to be in negotiations for a book describing their experiences.

Her Future? Whether her streak will continue (FOUR Nobel Prizes?), no one knows for certain. We sent a team to interview her at her semi-secluded farmhouse estate, but were not able to find her at home.We met an unidentified gentleman at the door to the home (he was wearing a T-shirt labelled "First Reader;' we have not been able to determine the significance of this phrase). When we asked for a convenient time to meet with Dr. Sanderson, he appeared to consult his memory, then explained:


Not wishing to disturb him further, we complied immediately.

Closing comments. As far as I can tell, I got all of this down without starting to speak Martian,
Note: I just wen through this, after I slept most of the night and some of the day. I still feel goofy, though. I did correct a couple of typos, and I also added some links to Cedar's work.
That said, It's likely funnier to me than it is to you, although I DO hope I have brought a smile to your face. I HOPE, also, that you will take advantage of this goofy little bit of work to try your hand at critiquing. There is enough left of my functional brain ( I think) that I didn't miss any chances to write something absurd. However, if I did, would you mind pointing that out? For example, if this would have hit an entirely new level if I had just waited to add the anecdote about the yodeling veterinarian of the Alps, then feel free to bring that to my attention.

It's just about noon; I have been without sleep for two days now, but if I DON'T get something to eat, I'll be getting up every so often to conduct another Snaktrek. so I hope I will be able to recognize something edible in the kitchen.

Peace be on your household.


  1. An amusing note: Cedar has a great-uncle who worked for many years for Hershey in Pennsylvania -- by the time he retired he was one of their 'expert witnesses' and testified in court cases around the country on behalf of the company. (Your comment about the Professor of Food Science in Pennsylvania who was Chair of the Cocoa, Chocolate, and Confectionery Research Group brought that to mind.)

    1. I had originally planned on creating an Endowed Chair of Food technology, but my google-fu found that position. It's really at University of Pennsylvania; the current holder is:
      Ramaswamy C. Anantheswaran, Ph.D.
      Professor of Food Science
      Director for Education by Non-Traditional Delivery
      Chair of the Cocoa, Chocolate, and Confectionery Research Group