Saturday, March 18, 2017

When Bad Food Produces Strange Results

Surprisingly, I turned out to be a pretty good cook.  There's no particular reason for this, except for the fact that my mother and my grandmother both did  outstanding work in the kitchen.  Maybe I absorbed technique.

At any rate, I shoulder a sizable fraction of the cooking duties around this place.  And I am quite pleased with the fact that on more than one occasion I have presented my gift-from-God, happily-ever-after trophy wife Vanessa, the elegant, foxy, praying black grandmother of Woodstock, GA, with a meal that she has said she didn't like, only to watch her gobble it up with relish and ask for more.
I even made her the best sandwich she had ever had in her life.

But last week, I blew it.

She had selected a turkey tenderloin as the entree. It came packaged in a tube; we've had it twice before, once with bad results, the second time with great results. This time, though, I read the instructions on the package. It clearly said "Place on grill for 45 - 60 minutes, or until internal temperature reaches 160 degrees."

I didn't even consider the difference between a regular grill and the George Forman grill we have. If I had thought for ONE minute, I would have realized that the two sides of contact heat from the George Forman resulted in MUCH faster cook time than a regular grill.
Fortunately, I didn't let it go 45 minutes before I checked it, but I DID burn it to a crisp, almost. There was still some edible meat on the inside.

I apologized profusely to Vanessa.

And she smiled. SHE SMILED!

And I realized she was GLAD that I had burned the food!

On reflection, I recalled that on all the occasions when she was eating something I'd made that she really enjoyed, she was rather....reserved in her praise. Particularly when I made something for someone else to eat, such as the members of our home group.

She was JEALOUS.., sort of.

It's dare I come inter her domain and do well? Men are SUPPOSED to be LOUSY in the kitchen, particularly redneck bikers! Grill a steak? Sure, that's okay. But make a pasta dish with broccoli and chicken? No, that's invading her turf!

So, when I burn a $10 piece of meat...

...order is restored to the universe!

Well, I aim to please!  


  1. Bwahahahaha! I hate it when my husband tries cooking dinner.

  2. LOL! I didn't mind when my husband cooked, but I did wish he'd have been willing to help clean up once in a while. I think in the 28 years we were married, I could count the number of times he helped with the dishes on one hand, and those were when I was too sick to get out of bed, or had just had a baby. I didn't really even need the help, so much as would have liked to have the company while I was working.

  3. None of us are perfect. I'm sure she gives you the benefit of the doubt far more often than you realize. But we all like to be vindicated once in a while, even if it's just so we can offer intelligent sympathy with sincerity.