Saturday, March 18, 2017

When Bad Food Produces Strange Results

Surprisingly, I turned out to be a pretty good cook.  There's no particular reason for this, except for the fact that my mother and my grandmother both did  outstanding work in the kitchen.  Maybe I absorbed technique.

At any rate, I shoulder a sizable fraction of the cooking duties around this place.  And I am quite pleased with the fact that on more than one occasion I have presented my gift-from-God, happily-ever-after trophy wife Vanessa, the elegant, foxy, praying black grandmother of Woodstock, GA, with a meal that she has said she didn't like, only to watch her gobble it up with relish and ask for more.
I even made her the best sandwich she had ever had in her life.

But last week, I blew it.

She had selected a turkey tenderloin as the entree. It came packaged in a tube; we've had it twice before, once with bad results, the second time with great results. This time, though, I read the instructions on the package. It clearly said "Place on grill for 45 - 60 minutes, or until internal temperature reaches 160 degrees."

I didn't even consider the difference between a regular grill and the George Forman grill we have. If I had thought for ONE minute, I would have realized that the two sides of contact heat from the George Forman resulted in MUCH faster cook time than a regular grill.
Fortunately, I didn't let it go 45 minutes before I checked it, but I DID burn it to a crisp, almost. There was still some edible meat on the inside.

I apologized profusely to Vanessa.

And she smiled. SHE SMILED!

And I realized she was GLAD that I had burned the food!

On reflection, I recalled that on all the occasions when she was eating something I'd made that she really enjoyed, she was rather....reserved in her praise. Particularly when I made something for someone else to eat, such as the members of our home group.

She was JEALOUS.., sort of.

It's like...how dare I come inter her domain and do well? Men are SUPPOSED to be LOUSY in the kitchen, particularly redneck bikers! Grill a steak? Sure, that's okay. But make a pasta dish with broccoli and chicken? No, that's invading her turf!

So, when I burn a $10 piece of meat...

...order is restored to the universe!

Well, I aim to please!  

4 comments:

  1. Bwahahahaha! I hate it when my husband tries cooking dinner.

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  2. LOL! I didn't mind when my husband cooked, but I did wish he'd have been willing to help clean up once in a while. I think in the 28 years we were married, I could count the number of times he helped with the dishes on one hand, and those were when I was too sick to get out of bed, or had just had a baby. I didn't really even need the help, so much as would have liked to have the company while I was working.

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  3. None of us are perfect. I'm sure she gives you the benefit of the doubt far more often than you realize. But we all like to be vindicated once in a while, even if it's just so we can offer intelligent sympathy with sincerity.

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